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Gabby Carter

God, Give Me Strength

As I lay in an anaesthetic haze, my new baby girl caught my gaze, a plump little bundle, so pink and so fair, a love overwhelmed me, a love so rare, I thanked the Lord eternally for giving me this child, so perfect so healthy... I lay back and smiled.

God, give me strength to carry on, for at times I feel my sanity gone, for my child was not perfect when she was born.

Three separate diseases... not one or two, God, this is your fault, not mine... but you. How could you do it Lord? When yourself has lost a son, you have felt the pain, you have felt the grief, don’t let my little girl flutter away like a leaf.

God, give me strength to carry on, for I just lately have done so wrong in myself I found a flaw, God, I turned my back on you, then showed you the door.... in you I could believe no more, what sort of person were you that could do this? That child’s life... should have been filled with bliss.

God, give me strength, to carry on... for really I had nothing, when you were gone, I had no hope, and I had no care, and stopped myself from saying a prayer... I would lie in my bed so late at night, wondering at the end of this tunnel... would there be light?

Tossing and turning feeling so ill at ease... would ever I come to terms with this disease?

That night I dreamt I was in another land, a man came towards me walking on sand, he stood right before, with his arms held wide... I bowed my head and then I cried.

"God, give me strength... for I don’t know what to do... is this really all down to you? For I have been living under a cloud, I feel so much pain... I want to cry out loud. My darling my daughter, that child is my life... I want her to grow up to be a mother... a wife, God, she is so innocent... why... all this strife?" I looked in his eyes... so deep and so blue, he never said a word, but somehow I knew.... There were many others that all suffered too, that it was a matter of opening a gate, to follow the path which holds our fate, there was nothing we could do, a maze of crosswords which held no clues, a lot of the time I still say its not fair, though... I now realise I have been given a child... so special so rare. No matter what happens... I will always have hope, and pray to God, I don’t slip back down that slope, for next time I know... there might not be a rope. God, I can say I have glimpsed some light, but I cant give you my child without a fight, God, give me strength.... for perhaps one day, she will lay in your palms with you to stay, over there in your promised land, where little children play, and giggle in the sand, no more worries, no more fears... no more watching mummies tears. God, give me strength... you know I will pray, never again will I send you away, I still cant say I understand, why sick people are put on this land, but one thing I know when people stop and stare.... they will never find a love.... like this one.... so rare.

Gabrielle was born on the 28th of April 1982, at approximately 09:30 on a beautiful sunny morning. She was born by Caesarean section and weighed in at seven and a half pounds. Her skin actually fitted her little body, as most parents know, babies are so wrinkly they look as if they need good ironing!

Gabby was absolutely perfect. So pink and so healthy. In addition to being perfect she was born with an abundance of hair, but it was of a shade of color that I had never seen before, a silvery beige blonde. I remember thinking to myself that she had been aptly named, for Gabrielle... means Angel of God, and she was... a little Angel.

I was still heavily under the anaesthetic when Gabby was put into my arms, but... when I put my arms around her, there was an instant explosion of love, and I felt a love so passionate it actually frightened me. Then... of course, I never understood why, but I know now... for I was being told..."cherish this love, its one sent from Heaven, one that heaven... is going to take back".

I left the hospital ten days after Gabby's birth, going back to our own home and Gabby's big sister ShaNeen, who was then four and a half. Their father was at this time aboard the Canberra ship, sailing to the Falklands with the Parachute Regiment, my elder brother Jim on it too, so all in all a very trying time, but with my mum and dads help and love we managed to get by.

Gabby, never fed well right from the start, she would only take a few ounces, then snuggle up to me, content just to go back to sleep, she also never cried very often, I really wasn't very happy with this as she was not putting on much weight at all, by the time she was six weeks old she was crying persistently and having an awful lot of trouble taking even a small amount of milk, I was at my wits end, I had tried every baby milk on the market to no avail, after an ounce or two, she would just scream and scream. I took her to the baby clinic and was told by the doctor she was just messing me around and not to worry too much, it would sort itself out in time, and the parting words "gosh, wasn’t she a cutie!" I couldn't believe this, the doctor did not even examine her and on being weighed she had only gained half a pound since birth; she was now six weeks old and looked like a skinned rabbit!

I took Gabby to my own doctor the following day, after yet another night of continuous crying I couldn't take any more, nothing I did seemed to pacify her, the doctor gave her a thorough examination, then took a step towards me and put his hands on my shoulder then said. "I'm sorry, she has something wrong with her heart, she is actually into heart failure, she will have to go to hospital... now!"

I felt as if someone had just hit me, I just stood and stared at him, unable to comprehend what he had said to me.... it couldn't be true could it? I didn't... or couldn't say a word, I wrapped Gabby up in her shawl and held her to me, and then the tears began to flow... All the strong feelings I had felt for her when she was born came flooding back to me, but with an inner coldness, is that what those feelings meant. Was she going to die? I begged and pleaded Silently to God...."Please don’t take her, you have only just given her to me, she is just a tiny baby.... her daddy had not even seen her yet. I just need her so much" I remember screaming inwardly to myself, but aimed at God, who I thought so good, he had given me a child to love.... but now he wanted her back?

I pushed Gabby in her pram up to the Military hospital, which thankfully was only five minutes away, and, on arrival there Gabby was given various tests which included a heart scan, x-rays, ecg, and also blood tests, the results were that, Gabby indeed had heart disease... two holes in her heart, with a possible third... also pulmonary stenosis, a thickening of one of the main arteries leading from the heart.

Gabby was admitted to the children’s ward, drugs were quickly administered, Digoxin, to control the heart rate as it was working too fast, frusimide, to take excess fluid away from her body, and potassium, a salt to replace salt... the frusimide took out. Once she was stabilized and out of immediate danger, I apologized to God, and thanked him for letting Gabby live.

The next year was by no means easy, eight drugs dosages to be given over twenty four hours and to keep things under control, visits to the hospital every other day, Gabby... as are other children with heart disease was very susceptible to chest infections, so it seemed she was permanently on antibiotics. Visits to the heart unit at Guys hospital in London, did result in finding a third hole in her heart, but hopefully at pre-school age Gabby would undergo heart surgery to put her right, then she would be able to live a normal life....

As I said, it was hard work indeed, but the work only served to show me how lucky I was, Gabby had something that could be corrected, on my visits to the hospitals I was so saddened to see so many children with illnesses that nothing could be done for, I thought I could not love Gabby any more than I did, but I found myself being pulled so much closer to her... as though the umbilical cord had never been cut, we were so attached, a feeling of love that just seemed to flow from one to the other.

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